I usually tend to not get particularly serious on my blog because I have family that comes and reads and it is always hard to show others your vulnerabilities. But I am slowly beginning to realize that this is my platform, and the things I say here may help others who go through some of the same things.
I haven’t been posting much because I have been busy getting my motivation back and my thoughts in order. Life, seems to have some major ups and downs and it is up to the human spirit to weather the storm.
The word “cancer” exudes a reaction in most people. Whether it is just reading the word, or you are faced with the possibility of having cancer, or someone close to you has had or does have cancer, it is never something that makes you feel great. I don’t know anyone that has ever been happy about it.
A few months ago, a really good friend of mine, my coach and mentor, in the middle of one of our coaching sessions said “oh by the way,” I have this rare form of cancer and I think it’s a good idea if you come see me. In a previous conversation we were arguing about me coming to see him and his family in New Zealand (his home). I had always wanted to go back (it is where my husband and I spent our honeymoon), but out of money etc and yes you do talk finances with your coach, he suggested Canada. I had not known about his cancer when he suggested a visit to Canada instead of NZ, but he did.
It was barely a week since I had gotten that news when I was just out of the shower. I reached over to itch my armpit when I felt it. There was a lump, and not just a small one. So I made my typical appointment with my OB and mentioned it to her. I was sent off to an ultrasound and it turns out it is lymph node. This can be good or bad, so they told me to come back in eight weeks for a rescan.
You start to play your life in your head, about what will you do if, and what I should have done, and what I need to do. The world seems to narrow around you when you are faced with the word cancer. It simply affects everyone around you. I have spent some nights crying for my coach and his family (well, a lot of nights). It is a grieving/emotional process for everyone involved. It feels horrible to not be in control of something that puts you at the mercy of the doctors, and all the what ifs. You want to do things for someone, but the truth of the matter is… there isn’t anything you can do, other than provide that person with the support that they will allow you to give. It is a dance where you have to be careful where you step, while your heart, and your brain wants to impulsively lead.
I had become a wreck in terms of stress and emotional turmoil and it was as if my life had begun to mirror his. It was like life was pointing out to me, to learn deeper levels of compassion that I had not yet experienced. With each passing day, I am learning how to dismiss the little things that make me mad or upset, to see that the things I thought mattered, like a messy house, or minor irritations from the husband and kids, are just a tiny speck in this world.
Of the many things, I have learned from my coach and incredibly dear friend…it is that you get back in this life what you give and if you keep doing what your are doing, than you will also keep getting what you got.
Love your family and don’t sweat the small stuff!